Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Bad Day

Yesterday was a bad day. I don't know why, it just was. I spent most of it crying, wanting to cry, or feeling like I was going to throw up. But it's not a sick throw up, it's a frustrated throw up.

Yeah, my body really doesn't understand normal reasons for throwing up.

Actually, I suspect a large part of the badness of the day was how it started. I'm currently looking for a job, and although I'm a trained barista, and love doing that, I'm pretty much applying for anything these days. Not that it matters. No one even sends me an automated response! It's like I'm invisible.

Anyway, a job alert came into my email yesterday for a position at a pet store. Part time retail, but working with animals so score! Their online application is so ridiculous that it took nearly an hour to fill the darned thing out. Then it says something like, "Hey, you might qualify for this! Go to this link and fill out the assessment." Ok fine, I can do that.

So, I click on the link and it takes me to a log on page. Umm...what log on? There's no "new here? Register here!" button. It's just, log on. I try my usual combos, but it's like, "I have no idea who you are." Still not giving me an option to register. So I try the button saying "I don't know what you're asking for!" It tells me, "IF we can find that email in our system, we'll email you your log on information.

Five minutes later, I've gotten several emails, but none from the website! Change of tactics. I go back to the application, planning to skip the assessment step and continue with the rest. I figure there's probably going to be a section down the road along the line of, "Anything else you want to tell us?" And then I can be like, "Yeah. The website sucks." But in a much more professional manner. Use big words.


Basically, if you don't complete the assessment, they don't want to hear about it. At all. Seriously, do they even want applicants? See, this is the problem with so many people out of work and not enough people hiring. If you're clever enough to jump through all their flaming hoops while doing advanced calculus and baking a souffle, you're "over qualified for the position." And if I thought I was over qualified, I wouldn't apply!

I'm about to just close the window when I see the "withdraw" button. Fine, your website is rude, but I won't be. I click withdraw, and it takes me to another screen that says, "Why you wanna do me like that?"

Well, not really, but you get the point.

So I'm thinking, "YES! This is my chance at redemption!" I explain the situation, the HR person who obviously really loves their job will read it, realize that they really need an employee with such eloquence, and BANGO! We don't need no stinkin' interview. You start... NOW!!

Yeah, right.

After I finish, look through some of the other postings that are all depressingly horrible, I decide to go on with my day. It's already turned to crap, but maybe if I read some of the funny blogs, tend my virtual farm, and even pull out the big guns and watch some funny cat videos, maybe I can turn this around. Maybe I can do my exercises, grocery shop, get the last few loads of laundry done, and it will be an ok day.

No. Because an hour and a half after sending the reason for the withdrawal of my application to the pet store, I get an email. "Here's your password." I still don't know what my user name is. But really? An hour and a half?? REALLY!?

So, no. Yesterday was not destined to be a good day. Thus far, today is looking better. Not great, but better. 

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Country Music Channel?

Over the last few months I have been amazed at the great shows they've been playing on the Country Music Channel. Also, really confused as the shows they've been playing don't really have a lot to do with country or music. Expanding their audience, maybe?

Yeah, or I could just be watching the Comedy channel!!

Let me explain. When I lived Stateside before moving to New Zealand, the channels all had 3 letter abbreviations. So, comedy was COM and country music was CMT. I saw the channel that I've been watching lately as CMTY. I had no clue what the Y was for, I figured it was something to do with high definition or maybe wide screen. I dunno. Turns out, it's actually CMDY! Comedy!

I might need more sleep. Or less. Not sure.

Thursday, April 25, 2013


It's been an emotionally draining couple of days, and today I feel like I'm on the most unstable roller coaster ever inflicted on innocent bystanders with heart conditions.

All the irritating stuff is still going on. Except Steve's daughter has started hiding Ian's toothbrush. Yeah, I know how that sounds, and I honestly don't understand the point of it. I made a big deal out of it the other night, then wound up getting him a new one out of the cupboard before she miraculously "found" his old one. Whatever, it was looking a bit trashed anyway, so I threw it out. He's got a new one. They share a battery operated toothbrush, so it's just the brush heads that need to be replaced. I decided to put his new brush head in his bathroom drawer with the idea that it may stop the head from going "missing" again. Last night, it was once again gone. I was seriously pissed off, but I haven't said a word- possibly explaining my exhaustion today. Instead, I went to the cupboard and got him another one, once again putting it in the drawer when he was done. If it disappears again, there may be a death.

Anyway, the other thing taking up a lot of my energy is positive (I think). I was on the job boards online, again, and decided to apply for a position working in a snack bar. In order to apply for said position, though, you have to sign up to this agency thing, and they scan all potential applicants, send job listings to applicants, yadda yadda yadda. Seriously, it's a snack bar. Do you need a blood sample, too?

One of the "benefits" that this agency offers, though, is an education adviser to "make you more attractive to potential employers." I went into the conversation with the attitude of "yeah, I'd love to go back to school, but I don't have a spare $30K laying around." Which is what it was going to cost last time I looked into school a couple of weeks ago.

As it turns out, the stuff I did 10 years ago still counts, I've got about 30 credits to go to earn my Associates degree! And because I've always gotten good grades I apparently qualify for a scholarship. And because we're poor I qualify for a grant and a student loan! I may be able to get my Associate's in Small Business Management for about $1,000. That's not too bad.

But now it's brought up that idealistic dream of owning our own business. Every 30 minutes today, I've been doing complete 180 flips of emotional highs and lows. Filled with hope one minute, I come crashing down into a deep insecure puddle of mush. It's making me feel a bit like I've been beaten with a bus.

See? I'm not even making sense anymore. Not that I usually do, but still! That's not the point.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Bodies suck

My muscle control continues to go downhill. I had a bit of a scare yesterday when performing at the expo (belly dance). We were all walking over to have pictures taken, and my right leg refused to move. Thank goodness it didn't happen during the performance!! And I don't think anyone noticed. Of course, that's not really a surprise since people don't really notice me anyway.

This afternoon, I've been dealing with it a lot, and getting really frustrated. I did the bad thing- googled my symptoms. Yes, I know it's evil to do, and blah blah blah, but I just wanted some idea of what I may be in for.

I started with "loss of muscle control." The only results were things that show up in infancy or leukemia. I had a blood test not too long ago, and I know they didn't test the white cell count, but surely it would show up if it was weird, right?

So, I went back to google and added my other symptoms: loss of muscle control, pins and needles, fatigue, weight gain. The result of that search was much more interesting: hypothyroidism. Huh.

See, I was thinking possibly I was getting MS or something. But it could just be my stupid thyroid. More and more I wish the stupid cancer had taken me out way back then. I often think I was supposed to die then, and cheating fate is why I'm being punished so harshly now. Makes a lot of sense.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Black thumb be gone!

You've heard of having a green thumb. I've always had a black thumb. Ever since I was a kid, I've wanted to grow plants because I love them, but I have a tendency to kill them. I've even killed a cactus once. Don't ask.

But, for some unknown reason, something seems to have clicked.

Look at them in all their glory!! Witness the miracle that is plant life in MY CARE!

Ok, I admit, it's possibly a sign of insanity to get this excited over plants, but fuck it. I HAVE PLANTS, PEOPLE!

It almost makes up for the possibility of not being able to drink scotch anymore. That's a-whole-nother story, though.

Now, for anyone looking at those labels and wondering if I'm now talking/typing in tongues, the answer is... well, yes, but not where this is concerned. Pohutukawa, Kowhai, and Manuka are all New Zealand native trees. I did a bit of research, found they are allowed here in the States, tried to find some to buy here, couldn't, so ordered seeds from New Zealand. Actually, I only wanted the kowhai because I fell in love with them, but it was a 4 seed packet deal so I got 2 packets of kowhai and 1 each of pohutukawa and manuka. Besides, pohutukawa is really fun to say.

As for the borage, I had to order seeds from New Jersey since people in Southern California seem to have no idea what a miracle plant this is! I mainly use it for tea, and it's really great to plant next to your tomatoes. Keeps bad bugs away, but attracts bees and butterflies- cross pollination increases the sweetness of the tomatoes. Also, making compresses with the leaves is supposed to be really good for arthritis. Of which I have in my foot making dancing difficult sometimes.

I have 200 seeds of borage. I planted one. I have 199 left. My plan is to get some terracotta pots, decorate them up to be AMAZING! Plant a borage plant in each, heap love on them so they grow, and then sell them. TA-DA! 

Monday, April 15, 2013


I have come to a decision. It may not stick because Steve is my weakness, and if I wind up hurting him too much, I'll back down. But I'm done being nice to the dark cloud that lives with us. I'm done doing things to make her life easier. I'm done going out of my way to try to include her.

She's made it quite clear she doesn't want to be part of our family, so done. She's not part of my family.

It will be difficult for me to find a good medium. I don't want to be mean....well, I do, but I won't. The urge to tell her point blank that her mother's nickname for her is Princess Bitchface is so strong, it's incredibly hard to resist. Mostly because it's such an accurate name for her. Oddly enough, it's incredibly fitting for her mother, too. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

She's doing everything in her power to drive Steve and I apart. I thought we were strong enough to weather anything, but now I'm not so sure. He's chosen her over me, and that's fine. No one picks me first. It still hurts a little, though. But if my marriage is going to fall apart because of a spoiled little brat, it's going to happen on my terms. I've done the victim thing, and I promised myself long ago that I wasn't going to be a victim ever again. But I've fallen into the same old trap just trying to be nice to hold the peace.

No more nice. Now, I protect my family. And culling the cancer that's eating away at it is the first step.

Sunday, April 14, 2013


There is quite a lot of dissension in our house at the moment. Basically, I'm finding it increasingly hard to deal at all with Steve's daughter. She's beginning to drive a wedge between Steve and I, and I'm not sure what to do about it.

He keeps claiming it's just "normal teenage stuff." I disagree. This is way worse than anything I've ever dealt with or heard of. She is the most demanding, selfish, lazy person I've ever had the misfortune to meet. And she's just getting worse. She can't be trusted, she lies, and does absolutely everything so half assed it has to be done at least one more time.

She'll be turning 18 in November, and if I can last that long, and if there aren't significant improvements, I'm very serious about telling her where she can shove it. Start paying rent or get out. I just can't do it anymore.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Good excuse?

I'm so frustrated with life, the universe, and everything right now. And the reasons for that are numerous. To name a few:

1. I've been taking a belly dance class though the city. It saves most of what's left of my sanity, even though it's not my favorite style- I prefer Modern Fusion and the class is Egyptian. Not that it means much to anyone who's not a belly dancer, but it's just a fact. Anywho, the classes expo is coming up in 1 week from today. Earlier than any other year according to the girls in the class. It's my first one having just moved here, so I'm not really qualified to say. We're performing at said expo. The city council notified our teacher of the date of the expo 4 weeks before the date! We had 4 weeks to prepare a performance. And it's going to rock! If we get to perform it. See, the city council can't actually confirm that we'll be performing, or that they're keeping the damned class! What the what?

2. Along the same lines as number one. I decided to pull out my costumes having found them in one of the boxes we've been unpacking. Only to find out they don't fit! Yeah, all the weight I've gained means most of my clothes are way too small now. Just another joy of being a fat girl. I do have a costume that I ordered, but there's a lot of work to do on it to be able to wear it. And I only have a week.

3. Again, along the same lines. I really want to teach. I want to run classes in Modern Fusion style, and have a great excuse to work out even harder than I already am. So, I sent in the application form to the city council. There must be a bunch of chimps working there, though, because I haven't heard a peep back from them. And when I brought up how disappointed I was in class, the ladies there all said not to expect anything from them. Apparently, a few of the ladies tried to volunteer for the city and they never heard back. Makes me wonder what the hell the city council workers are actually doing.

4. Why am I still getting bigger? Hungry all the time because I'm not eating as much as my stupid body wants. Exercising hard out 5-6 times a week. It's not right and it's not fair.

5. Crafts not going right.

6. Business a lost dream.

7. No friends. Actually, this one has been hard on me for a long time. After leaving high school, I lost so much of what was important because it turned out my friends were only my friends to get something. Not because they actually liked me. Then I made a new group of friends, whom I've never met- they're all online. Say what you will, but it works. Until it doesn't.

I've always thought of myself as spiritual. I agree with Buddhist, Wiccan, Pagan... but most people around me are Christian. Fine. But it's not for me. At all.

This past week, one of my online friends announced she has a jewelry booth at a Pagan festival, and was trying to get ideas of what to make that would have a good chance at selling there. Seems her very religious mother is very against it, which is irksome enough, but I'm willing to ignore that. What's incredibly hard to take, though, is when a bunch of people in the group start saying what a bunch of weirdos the people at the Pagan fest are. "Unwashed masses" was one of the terms slung out. I honestly feel like I'm being attacked by people who have come to mean as much to me as my own family.

It's just another blow to my ego. It's not that people don't care about each other, I've seen enough to prove that's not true. It's just that no one gives a shit about me.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Heavy sigh

Ok, so despite my intense displeasure at the thought, maybe I need to talk to a doctor - when the insurance actually turns up- about going back on anti-depressants. Blah.

Don't get me wrong, medication is great. It's just that I feel like a weak, selfish, useless failure. There's a strong urge to self medicate, but we can't really afford it. Which adds to the depression. When you can't afford a bottle of scotch, life is seriously sucky.

Although, I guess since the reason we can't afford a bottle of scotch is because we're still putting good food on the table for the family. That should count for something, shouldn't it?

Actually, Steve's putting food on the table. Not only do I not earn any money to contribute to the family's funds, but he's also the cook. Because when I cook, I get stressed out, and everything kind of tastes the same. Did I mention that he also cleans? Because "clean" to me pretty much means that I know the obstacle course well enough that I can do it in the dark after a couple scotches.

That we can't afford.


Actually, it's Steve and his parents' fault that I developed such a strong love for scotch. But that's a long story. And not the one I started off talking about.

Basically it comes down to a simple decision. Either, I go back on the meds and hope that's the issue. Or I make peace with the fact that I'm a horrible person. Because I am. The meds help me forget this fact, sort of. It never goes away, which is why I don't really want to go on the meds again. They don't change the nature of the person, so what is the point? Even on the meds, people can't stand to be near me. Don't want to invite me along. Don't make me a better wife, mother, daughter, person. They just make me not care so much that I'm such a failure. I still feel like a failure, but without all the...woe is me shit. You know?

Oh geez, calling to mind a series of ads that play in New Zealand about depression. There's this big guy, apparently an ex rugby player or something. He claims to suffer from depression, so you know what he does? He exercises! And he cooks! And that makes him all better. Oh, the fact that he has more money than he could spend in 3 lifetimes isn't the issue. The fact that when he sneezes, he has people coming out of the woodworks to ask him if he needs help isn't the issue. I say fuck you poser! I work out. I feel like a stuffed sausage. Or a beached whale.

Geez, the other day I lay down for a second. I honesty did feel like a beached whale trying to get back up. I almost asked Steve to get a bucket of water to pour over me!

Ah! And then one of my friends from way back is complaining that she's not loosing weight. She wants to get under 130 pounds!!! She has 5 kids and is well under 140 pounds! She's the same height as me! I would kill to get under 200 pounds! How is this fair?

So, ok. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm stupid. I'm useless. I'm unorganized.

What the hell happened to me?

Sunday, April 7, 2013


I feel like such a useless pile of fat and bones. I just can't seem to do anything right, and it's very frustrating!

Yesterday, I was trying to decide why I can't be content with being useless. I have a number of people in my life who seem utterly content to be complete wastes of space (actually, one lives with us). The only thing I can figure is that I'm smart enough to want to do something productive, but not smart enough to actually be able to do anything productive. Very frustrating.

And the housing situation is really getting to me. There's a commercial that plays far too often in my opinion that basically claims that if you don't own your own house, you are a failure and your children will be miserable and you will all die horrible deaths. Ok, maybe it's not that dramatic, but that is the gist of the commercial. The problem is, the cheapest house that meets our criteria is $460,000! Six months ago, I found a bigger house with more land, closer to the city for $250,000. So this basically says to me that we are screwed. We will never be able to own our own house again, we'll all die penniless and alone, miserable failures. Sigh.

Every time that stupid commercial comes on I cry. It's the tv telling me what a stupid waste of space I am. I already knew that, I didn't need the tv to confirm it, thankyouverymuch!

Actually, I think one of the worst things about my particular brand of failure is that I just keep trying. Now, I know some of you annoying optimists will claim that means eventually I'll succeed at something. But if that were true, don't you think it would've happened by now? No, my continued stubborn attempts just provide more fodder for failure. Every choice I make eventually blows in my face. Instead of taking limbs, though, the blast takes parts of my soul. Not sure how much is left there to take.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Dr Appointment

So the insurance officially kicked in yesterday. Which is really good since apparently urgent care doctors can't count (apologies to any urgent care doctors who can count). The doctor at urgent care decided to only give me enough medicine to get Ian to the 1st of April. He ran out several days ago! Hence I've been off my anti-depressants so that he gets at least that, and I've halved his other meds just to get him through. Of course, the issue is that that's not really effective. So we've been back to dealing with the behavior issues. As of this morning, though, we are 100% out of everything!!! Fingers crossed that this doctor comes through for us. I don't know what we're going to do if he/she/it doesn't.

As for me, I'm struggling a bit. I just feel like we're not making any progress, and I've had to give up just about every dream I've had. Start a cafe- yeah, that's not going to happen. Start teaching belly dance- I've had several doors slammed in my face regarding that now. Buy a house- no one will give us credit to get a loan, not that we could afford a mortgage or a deposit right now.

It's really hard to keep going forward when hope keeps getting stripped off you.