Friday, June 14, 2013


I'm really feeling like I'm approaching the end of my abilities as a human. I watch people around me grow and acquire new skills. At first, I'm far superior due to a natural inclination, but it doesn't take long for people to pass me by until I'm left in a cloud of dust so thick I start coughing up bits of my own lung. I don't know, maybe I'm just a really slow learner. So slow that people give up on me because at first it looks as though I get it. But I plateau prematurely. It's a bit of a let down really.

I'm unable to move forward with anything I've started. I'm at a plateau with business, craft, dance, life in general. I hate so much, and it's taking all my strength to stay out of the fetal position so I have no energy to do anything else. I'm bored with classes and disappointed in myself for my lack of motivation, intelligence, and talent. I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being a waste of space.

One of my daily reads is The Blogess. Today's post was her talking about this crippling bout of depression she's been going through for the last few weeks. Yeah, I'm right there with ya honey. The problem is, she keeps saying that depression lies, that it will get better, that you'll come out of this. Well, I don't really believe that anymore. Maybe I'm depressed because I really am the horrible person I think I am. I've been in this state for 20 years, it's not going to get better. I'm not coming out of this. This is who I am. I am a horrible, sad, angry, stupid person. Maybe my focus shouldn't be on getting better, but rather making peace with the fact that I will never be likeable.

PS As a strange aside, "likable" and "likeable" both show up as the correct spelling of the same word. So I keep adding the "e" then taking it away again because I can't decide which version I like better/least. Neither one looks 100% correct. I feel like this should trigger some amazing metaphor for life, but I'm coming up empty. Again.

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